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8/17/2004
Emptiness (it's a good thing)
The last 24 hours have been a wild ride. Today when talking about the deep feelings that started last night and were slightly less all-consuming today, it was pointed out to me that I chose the word "aloneness" rather than lonliness. This is absolutely correct because with lonlineness, I can reach out to other people and the feeling can lessen. With aloneness, however, the number of true, deep, real connections I have does not matter one bit. This aloneness is the profound feeling that I will die all alone, inside my body. At the same time, this aloneness feels like a cleansing (thanks Ashley!) of the dependence on those external, provisional, apparent, ego-type connections. Without a real connection with myself, none of the rest of it matters. When I do feel that connection with myself, then "thus every particle dating back to that 1st star is interdependent with me."

In any event, this process of the last 24 hours has shown me just how much I distract myself in daily life. It's not as if this aloneness is just now showing itself for the first time. It's always been there and I've always run away from it before. Now I welcome it. Thanks Universe!