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8/17/2004
Failure
Last night after receiving some meditative, healing work (part of my personal, internal work that I see as intertwined with my work in the world), I was overcome with the deepest, most profound feeling of failure and aloneness that I've ever felt. It is as if everything I've built up around me in life is simply a provisional meaning, where no matter what anyone says to me or does with me or how connected I might be outside myself, I will always be totally and utterly alone because I cannot feel that connection with myself. I felt lost.

I woke up today feeling the same, but not as acute, as if time and space had dulled the emotion, masking it, though it's still there. Since I'm deep in the midst of these feelings, I'm not able to say how this type of "crisis" can be helpful in my life, but somewhere inside me I do have the feeling that this feeling of failure, of loneliness, of being lost, is essential for me to truly take responsibility for the life I'm building. I cannot look outside myself for my meaning as it has to come from inside.