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1/08/2005
How I perceive how I've changed
Tristram (friend from the Humanist Movement) and I had an online text chat tonight. One point we agreed on was that the awareness of feeling bad is a very good sign because there's some awareness that can then lead to change, rather than simply the day-to-day deadness that we're both so famliar with.

Here's a Gem from him:
I am afraid to say what I think, change the situation, confront the shit, or the injustice, or the stupid comment, and it it just gets worse. In general I make the mistake of thinking that not confronting shit, is more comfortable and easier. In the end I beat myself up, don't change anything, and end up swimming in the shit. It's warm, and soft, but its still SHIT!!!
Then he asked me:
"Why really are YOU in the movement? What REALLY changed for you? What did YOU really learn or benefit from?"
I answered:
I was a miserable person when I joined. I was mean to people. I felt that I could not change myself even though I really wanted to. Plus I felt I had something inside me that I wanted to share with the world but I was too much of an asshole to make it really work. so what changed at first was the idea that intentionally choosing how to act and react to the world was possible . then over time came the idea what I'm really building my life - the life that I truly want I find myself being much more present now. intentionally. maybe that's the biggest thing. I'll talk wtih someone I knew well in high school and she'll ask about this and that and I won't remember any of it! I hope that I won't say the same of today in 10 or 15 years - I don't think it willl be like that. I think I'm more present now. choosing my life
How do you feel about what you just said? I mean what comes over you when you read it?
I feel solid - I like I know who I am, like I'm building a future - truly. even when I fuck around and do nothing for an 8 hour stretch it's temporary and I'll do something useful for 20 minutes that makes it all worthwhile and I can do better tomorrow :-)
We also talked about the Dobby character from Harry Potter and how we're like that sometimes. "Bad Dobby Bad Dobby!!!!!" Not very useful.

Near the end of our conversation he told me about his project blog: Friends of Africa and India. Check it out!

categories: personal Humanist Movement